The view from up high

There’s this epic moment – however brief – when you realize you’ve achieved the impossible. You made it. You managed something that should not have been possible. You’ve pushed yourself to a new level. Blood, sweat, tears, late nights, early mornings and way too many cups of coffee (or in my case tea) but it’s done. You aimed for the stars, were glad if you made it off the ground at all and somehow landed on the sun. And it is awesome! In that moment there’s a rush. A high. A deeply satisfying high.

Sitting on the bus this week I realized I miss that feeling. Except miss isn’t quite the right word. It’s so much more than that – deeper – I’m craving it. Craving it like I crave lemon meringue pie. Like salt and vinegar chips. Like that glass of Coke on a really hot summer day.

Years and years of impossible deadlines. Of pressure. Of becoming an expert juggler. Of being who everyone else needed me to be. Pressure that at times made it difficult to breathe. Stretching myself further than I knew was possible, I longed for the days where I could just be. Where I wasn’t under mountains of pressure. Where I had time to smell the roses. So it is truly baffling to find myself with this craving now that I have exactly what I’ve longed for.

Even Facebook seems to know something I didn’t

A couple of weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who is a bit of an adrenaline junkie. He was telling me about how he craved his next thrill. Admittedly I judged him a little. I mean shouldn’t you be happy with the life you’ve chosen? And yet here I find myself sitting on a bus on the other side of the world craving my next high. My next deadline. My next impossible task. It pains me to admit it but I have an addiction. Stress. Stress is my poison. My passion. It’s an addiction I haven’t got the first clue how to break. Or even if I want to for that matter.

But then I guess that this is part of the ‘checking out of your life’ process. Breaking addictions you didn’t know you had, finding what you truly want and resetting things. Or find a new high. Either way. We’ll see…